#just generally girls are really goddamn confusing to me rn lol

[habibialkaysani]

so um. I never did give that update on hot girl. well , hot girl 1.0. yes, there is a second hot girl who I will call hot girl 2.0. they're both greek and they actually live together - or at least they did. I think 1.0 is going to go live with her boyfriend (yeah, I was sad about that too lol).

but I think it's worth noting that 2.0 was really nice to me. like from the moment she arrived - she's relatively new in the office - she's been nothing but lovely to me and she's complimented my dress sense like a few times and said I looked pretty???? and maybe I'm imagining it but I was sure she was doing heart eyes at me the other day when she thought I wasn't looking?

and just. I would love to ask her if she wants to get a milkshake with me or something. but like. not like that. but I am the epitome of useless lesbian so I doubt I will.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #305

“you want me to be yours, well then you’ve got to be mine, & if you want a good girl, then goodbye”

Do you call the ice cream topping "jimmies" or "sprinkles"? They're "sprinkles" down here. What music are you listening to? Ha, I just turned on music before starting this. "Sex Metal Barbie" by In This Moment is on rn. If you go to school (HS or college) does your school have a rival? N/A Have you been baptized in any religious tradition? Yeah; I was born in a Roman Catholic family. My mom's mom would've probably had a heart attack if us kids weren't. At family gatherings, are you more likely to hang out with the younger or older relatives? I mean, I'd go for those my age or older, generally. I'd hang out with kids though if they wanted me to. Considering you current health, how long do you think you will live? With my CURRENT health, probably not even 80. Do you have anything in your room that would be 'weird' to others? Posters, yeah. Have you ever done geocaching? No, but it'd be cool if my body could actually handle taking a single goddamn step. What was the last game you won? Maybe Uno with my niece? I generally let her win, but occasionally I'm "lucky" to TRY to be more convincing, lol. I think she knows I let her, though. Do you know any deaf people? If so, is it easy or difficult to have conversations with them? No. Do you enjoy playing Monopoly? Why or why not? No, because I don't like board games, especially any that involve math. Is there a doorknocker on your front door? No. Do 'laugh tracks' on TV shows annoy you? They're so normal that I don't even notice them, really. Do people often mistake you for other ethnicities? If so, what do you usually get? No, I'm pretty obviously white. Has anyone famous ever attended your school? Who? I won't say his name for the sake of not connecting dots, but a well-known football player attended my high school. Have you ever had to attend an event that occurred on your birthday? Ha, my 16th birthday landed on the Super Bowl... I was at Jason's that night, and just to be "part of the family," we watched it with everyone else that came over. I was so bored and uninterested, but that's my own fault, really. I could have said something, but this was only a month into our relationship so I was too uncomfortable to speak up. What do you think makes a girl a slut? Do you believe that label is thrown around far more often than it should be? And finally, do you think it's unfair that mostly only women receive that label? I don't give a flying fuck how many people a girl is sexually involved with so long as she is safe and open and honest with her partners. I'm not a fan of the word and don't think anyone should be called it. Do you think it's bad to have sex at 15 or younger? I don't think it's smart, really. It's just too young to risk pregnancy. Yes, abortion is an option, but like... a 15 y/o girl should never be faced with that dilemma. I'ma be real tho, I don't think it's a "good" idea until you're at least 18, aaaand I don't know any non-virgin who waited that long. Just try your best to wait, ig. Favorite love song at the moment? Love songs never sit well with me anymore. I mean I can enjoy them, absolutely, I just... have a lot of bitterness. Trying to pick a favorite when you feel like that is like trying to pick the best-looking rotten apple of the bunch. Ever wondered what it would be like dating the same gender as you? I've done that already, and it was great but also scary in a massively homophobic state. Ever paid for sex? No. During thunderstorms, how does your pet react? Neither have a unique reaction; they're unfazed. What internet browser do you use? Google Chrome. Do you like eggnog? Noooo no no. How often do you see your mother? Every day, because I live with her. Do you like croutons in your salad? No, I really don't like the texture difference. Who did you last play truth or dare with? I don't know. Have you ever brewed your own mead, wine, beer or soda? No. Have you had to make any changes in your life lately? If so, what kind of changes? ugh What's the earliest popular thing you can remember from your childhood? Ummm. I mean, probably like Barney or Elmo? Do you prefer practicality or fashionability when it comes to clothes? Well, really neither. I'm the type that wears tank tops in snow, flipflops year-round, sweatpants in summer... so I don't really dress with practicality. I don't care what's "fashionable," so. Comfort pretty much reigns over my wardrobe. Which kinds of berries grow in the wild where you live? There are these little red ones that grow in little groups and somewhat resemble raspberries. I can't remember if they're edible, though... Oh, and muscadine grapes (I had to look up if they were berries lmao) can be found here, too. They're yummy. Beautyberries are another. Have you ever made an article of clothing yourself? If so, what was it? No. Do you go to arcades? If so, what's your go-to game at one? Even before Covid, I never really went to them. I enjoy them, though. I guess my favorite is maybe air hockey? When's the last time you had an alcoholic beverage? What was it? At the Cheesecake Factory for my birthday. It was some kind of sangria... Maybe strawberry and peach? Idr, but it was good. What has been the most enjoyable job you've had? You assume I've had a job I actually enjoyed. How about the least enjoyable job? Well, I barely lasted two hours in a dairy, soooo... When's the last time you had to carefully plan how you used your time? You're asking the wroooong person, 'cuz my life is never busy enough for that. Who do you usually say hello or good morning to first? My snake Venus, usually. Well, that is if her head is peeking out of her hide or is just fully out. Do you ever chat about your favorite video games with your friends? I don't really have gamer friends anymore, so not really. What do you hope you grow out of? Being so goddamn dependent. What movie made you cry the most? I can't say for sure considering it's easy for movies to make me cry, lmao. Maybe Titanic. What was one of the happiest moments of your childhood? Seeing a container of dog food in the far back behind the Christmas tree one year. It's how I learned I was finally gettinga dog (Teddy). What brings you the most joy in life? Probably my cat lmao. What's a hobby you would like to try out? I wanna get back into video editing, I just. Don't have the motivation for it anymore. As with most things. What sort of a kiss do you count as the first kiss? On the lips and with mutual intention. What was the last event you attended? Thanksgiving dinner at my sister's, ig. How about the last event you organized? Me? Organizing an event? What's the biggest insect you've ever seen? In the wild, probably like... a rhinocerous beetle or something. NO NO WAIT. I remember at least once in my life seeing a fucking GINORMOUS moth on the ground one morning. I don't know what kind it was, but jc it was huge. How about the biggest spider? Oh yikes, I'll never forget this: an orb weaver wandering across the floor of our childhood van and under the passenger's seat. Never saw it again. I was afraid to let my feet stay on the floor for a looong time, haha. What's something you'd never ever dare to ask another person? I'd never ask certain "why" questions, like "why did you get an abortion?" or something like that. I can think of valid situations to ask most things, even controversial matters, but no one should ever have to justify something like that. "Why don't you have kids?" is another. That one gets to me. Having children is not an advancement or milestone in everyone's life, and hell, you never know if the woman's had like five miscarriages or something. What's something you've always wanted to ask someone but haven't dared? Why Mom didn't raise her eldest daughter, at least for her whole life. Katie's childhood is a big mystery to me, and I want to know more, but I know the topic is very upsetting to Mom, so I'm not about to make her explain it. What's the worst/best thing you've done without your parents knowing? Saying "worst/best" makes this question confusing... but I'm guessing you mean the best thing to me that they wouldn't have approved of? I really didn't do a lot of things that would fit that description. I can only think of a certain intimate occasion where things happened where they probably shouldn't have. If you wear earrings, what does your favorite pair look like? Ugh, I don't because of the holes being too stretched out from wearing heavy earrings too long. I still haven't gotten to putting proper gauges in so it looks less stupid. Have you ever won any money from a scratch card? Maybe like, $10 or something. How about a slot machine? I've never played one. Do like playing bingo? Sure, it's all right. What small, everyday thing makes you really happy? Cuddling with my cat. Do you enjoy puzzle games? If so, which one's your favorite? Yeah, I do. I can't really pick a favorite, though... Is there a substance you avoid at all costs? If so, what is it and why? I think in a past survey I mentioned my aversion to beer because of the association it has with my dad. I'd never be able to get a sip down. Not that I really want to anyway though, it stinks. What you would you absolutely hate living next door to? Any really busy location or travel hubs, like a train station. My childhood home was near a railroad track, and it sucked, so I can only imagine a station. What would you love to live next door to? A waterfall, uggghhhh. In the woods too to hear plenty of frogs and toads and crickets... What gives you nostalgia? It is very easy to make me nostalgic. The littlest things can do it. Hearing about/seeing/playing childhood video games, like Spyro, is a biggie. Which reminds me how damn badly I wanna play the Reignited trilogy, fuck. I just don't have the proper console. Which language do you think is the most complicated to learn? Well English is supposedly the hardest objectively, but as a native English speaker, I can't say anything about that. In my experience, Latin was like fucking impossible. Is there a place that you might call your second home? I guess Dad's house, but it's not like I'm there a lot. I feel comfortable there, though. How do you imagine your later life to look like? I DO NOT want to think about this. I fucking dread the thought. What is a job you would never in a million years want to do? A butcher. There is absolutely no motherfucking way I ever could do it, even if it kept me off the streets. What's the weirdest building in your city? *shrug* How do you keep in touch with friends usually? Facebook. Do you recognize friends'/family's vehicles by sound? Not anymore. Dad had an old car that was very easy to recognize with its shitty muffler, but he hasn't had that car in years upon years. I used to be able to recognize Jason's old car too because of sound, but primarily because he drove way too fast down our path that when I heard a car zooming over rocks, I knew it was him. What's something new you've just recently learned? It was actually a topic of recent discussion that I may have high-functioning Asperger's. Very, very unusual to learn later in life, but apparently Mom's seen the warning signs in some things since childhood, like my extreme pickiness with textures, my tendency to knead and play with my hands in situations of discomfort, my social ineptitude, hyperfixations, it actually running in our family (which I didn't know beforehand), among a lot of other things. We're not really digging into it though because it just doesn't matter; there's obviously no magic treatment for autism, and me being in therapy and having a psychiatrist to handle my meds is enough. If you were in Harry Potter, which house would you be in? Apparently I'm on the Hufflepuff/Gryffindor line when I took a survey a long time ago. Are you nagged about being on the computer too much? Not anymore, at least on the average day. Mom's accepted it by now. Dad's joked about it before though and I know others have certain opinions about it. Based on your personality, what animal do you think you'd be? Maybe a deer. Shy, reclusive, and always on alert. Have you ever been in a hot tub? Yeah. What song is stuck in your head at the moment? I have "my boy" by Billie Eilish on right now because it's stuck in my head. What's your father's middle name? John. What's the last movie you saw in theaters? Yikes, good question. I think it was The Lion King remake. Have you ever vandalized? No. What's a pet you've always wanted? Most pets I want I've had at some point or another... I guess I'll say a ferret, though I've really only wanted one in concept. I could never keep up with their maintenance, but by god they are the cutest fucking things ever. Do you like mice? I love mice! What's your favorite t-shirt? My "equal in our bones" Cloak shirt. :''') The design is so beautiful and just my style in general, plus I live to support anything Fischfuck takes part in. Did you/will you get a car for your 16th birthday? I'm 25 and still have never had my own car lmaoooo. What's your favorite tomato variety? I generally don't like tomatoes themselves, but rather products made with them, like ketchup. If I'm in the mood though, I do like tomato sandwiches with mayo and bacon; I only ever enjoyed them though if they were fresh right from an old friend's garden. Which well-known person's death shocked you the most, if any? I think Chester Bennington's was the biggest surprise. Rest easy, you legend. What's the craziest color you'd dye your hair? More like what crazy color WOULDN'T I dye it... What was the longest train ride you've been on? I've never been on one. What's the coolest hobby one of your friends has? uhhhhh idk Have you ever played in a stack of hay bales? No. If you could learn any skill, which would you like to learn? Ha, cooking. How do you like your steak? Medium well.

[rynhaswritersblock]

tiktok famous (hc) - part two | p.p.

summary: a whole bunch of dif tiktoks featuring you and bae peter

warnings: chaotic energy, cussing, and BUTTERFLIES

+ + +

- i'm backkkkkkkkk

- so y'all really enjoyed the last tiktok imagine

- and you wanted another

- SO HERE WE GO BABYYYYYYYYY!!

- so basically....

- (just enjoy it)

- i got a lot of tiktok related comments and requests and i hope i remember them all

- (big boobs? whew chile) ANYWAYS SO:

- like pretty much none of them link together so this hc is going to be split into sections of like... blurbs!!

- yayayayayaya

- this one is inspired by @drecming

- so i think most of us know this very special sound..

- ...

- CAN'T TAKE BIG DICK BUT I SUCK ON IT

- y eah

- so as per usual

- you and peter b chillin

- they really do b vibin doe

- OH BY THE WAY

- y'all are dating in this situation :)))))))))

- and as you're binge watching your favorite show you can't stop doing the hand motions to that friggin dance

- aka the epidemic of generation z

- i keep doing the sugar by brockhampton dance i literally can't stop it's fine

- and thank god peter somehow doesn't notice

- like your movements are so subtle but you deadass keep doing it like once per minute

- and so you get up

- like "fuck this, man. if it's stuck in my head i'm at least gonna make a tiktok"

- and so you set it up

- peter's still on the couch in the background

- this boy STILL doesn't really notice what you're doing

- to be fair hsmtmts is a very enticing show ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

- but as soon as the audio plays peter recognizes it

- his head WHIPS over to you

can't take big dick but i suck on it

- he raises an eyebrow at you

i ain't fucking with the pussy, got a bump on it

- *eyebrow raise intensifies*

bad bitch put the pussy on me (on me)

- he sits up, watching as your hips roll (oh man)

whip out my dick then i hump on it

- he slightly cringes at the lyrics me too peter

i'm a bad ass bitch, what you lookin at?

- your butt

ima throw that-

- "oH NO YOU DON'T!" he yells, slight smile on his face as he swiftly shoots a web at you, the string wrapping around your waist and spinning you to him

- the song continues to play as you snort, wheezing as he balances you

- the video finishes and you raise your eyebrows at him

- "no throwing it back on camera," he says pointedly

- you tilt your head in a way that screams peter i love you but you and i both know that i can do what i wanna do and over-protectiveness can be toxic

- he sighs

- "okay, you can, but i'd like it better if it were just for me"

...

- HAHAHAHA

- okay NEXT ONE

- this next one is inspired by @ritxal

- in this one you can choose your relationship

- so peter is a natural born softboy

- he didn't choose the softboy life, the softboy life chose him

- but here's the thing

- it was friday night

- you were bored

- and you decided

- it was time for a change

- and so you approached the man

- who happened to be upside down

- because when is he not

- and, ignoring his protests, gave him an e-boy makeover

- poor peter was decked the fuck out

- striped long sleeve

- band tee

- black ripped jeans wITH THE CHAIN

- nike socks and af1s

- beanie

- and most importantly

- black nails and a little black heart under his left eye

- just picture it p lease

- and it his transformation was posted on your account to forever embarrass him

- and you lowkey found this look a lil wee bit ATTRACTIVE

- whatever

- okey this one's for you @lilmissquackson !!!!!!!

- y'all ever seen the without me (halsey) ones??

- ye

- even if you haven't you'll still get it lol

- so you're in class

- learning about sokovia because history and shit

- and, bored as hecc, you decide to whip out your phone and copy this video you'd seen

- you begin filming and place your right hand on top of peter's left (yay classmates!! sitting next to each other WHOOP!)

- his gaze is hard on his paper as he continues to scribble down notes

- you turn the camera to him for a bit and you're like yes perfect

- and then you return the camera and pull your hand away

- and he REACHES OVER AND TAKES YOUR HAND BACK

- AND YOU'RE LIKE  Y E S

- IT WORKED OUT

- PLUS HE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW AND HE'S SO CUTE

- you put the phone down, smiling, adjusting your hand a little before you realize you can't take notes anymore because your hand is occupied and using your left hand just aint it period (a/n: im so sorry if any of y'all are left handed lol but pretend y'all are in opposite positions so he has your left hand haha)

- and it's then that he looks at you

- and if his eyes don't make you MELT

- okay i'm sorry that last one was mediocre but you get the point

- alright so like in this process of writing this i've been struggling a bit with details and stuff and making it sound good and funny so they're gonna be short and sweet bc i literally don't know What To Do :)))))))))))))))))

- back to your regularly scheduled programming hell yeah

- this one's for you, @drecming

- back at it again with the ideas!!!! fuck yes!!!

- okay SO

- you seen those "i'm on my savage shit" ones?

- where the guys hand is on the girl's thigh (OR IF YOU'RE A DUDE READING THIS JUST STILL IMAGINE YOUR OWN LEG I TRY TO KEEP THIS GENDER NEUTRAL BUT I FORGET AND PLUS RN IM JUST EXPLAINING THE TIKTOK KJSDBVIBUV) and then she pulls her leg away and the music is like

iM oN mY sAvAgE sHiT

- anyways

- peter's hand is just vibing on your leg

- for you dirty minded folks no it's not vibrating or doing all that janky shit we're children of god here

- says the one who just said the s word OOPS

- and you, as per usual, pull up the sound and start recording

- peter hears the music and is like Huh????

- and then you pull your leg away, grinning at him cheekily before he grabs you, phone flying out of your hand and he pulls you into his lap

"my thigh"

- you give him a look like excuse me sir hUh

- and his face is just like

0_0

- before he smiles at you and laughs and says he's kidding

- but then he stops laughing

...

- and raises an eyebrow

- WOAHHHHHHHH SPICY

- zooooweeeeemamaaaaaaa

- aight moving on

- THE NEXT ONES ARE INSPIRED BY YOURS TRULY!! YAY ME FOR HAVING IDEAS FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE!!!!

- so i'm sure you and like everyone @ your school (if you're in school.. lol) is familiar with this one

- i'm just gonna let y'all experience it idk why i've been telling the tiktok before idek sajbsidvb

- so you're in class right

- doing nothing bc your teacher sucks :////

- but its fine bc it's a fun class

- so you set up your phone with you and peter in the screen and start recording

- peter looks at the phone and then you, confused

"hey, stop!" you say in a whiny voice

- mans is like Uhhhhh what did i Do

"stop! omg peter sTop!" you're smiling at him

- he's so confused

- and then as you're talking

- your voice suddenly lowers into your lower register

"stop!! peter stop it- I SAID STOP."

- his eyes widen and a confused smile is on his face as he jumps back slightly

"YOU KEEP PLAYING *smacks your hand on the table* TOO DAMN MUCH."

- the video stops and you and peter are just silent for a second before busting out laughing

"you've never seen those?"

"no????"

"god peter, you live under a rock"

- the duck walked up to the lemonade stand and he said to the man running the stand: hey! bonk bonk bonk got any grapes?

- sorry i randomly thought of that

- okay NEXT

- this is the one that hits different

- gets you in your FEELS

- DAMN

- we all know peter's a gamerboy

- so he's just chilling playing minecraft on the xbox or something

- what a fuckin nerd

- jk minecraft slaps so hard

- anyways

- as per usual, you set up the camera and start filming

- and you

- i think you know what i'm talkin about

- you slip underneath his arms

- and start crawling into his lap

- and the SECOND he registers what's going on he fucking YEETS the controller behind him and wraps his arms around you

- and when i say yeets

- i mean like

- ZOOM

- you bury your arm in the crook of his neck and you feel him physically relax under you (heartbeat racing though of course) and hold you tighter, planting gentle kisses along your neck and shoulder

- ..

- god FUCK talk about B U T T E R F L I E S

- y'all are going to HATE ME for this one

- prepare yourselves

- so you guys are just chilling in peters room as y'all normally do

- and peter goes to the bathroom

- and like stupid adorable fuck he is

- mans left his phone on silly goose

- and of course

- we all know you can't help yourself

- so like a NORMAL HUMAN BEING

- you decide to snatch it and go look at his tiktok drafts, god knows why

- and the first one you tap

- WHEW CHILE

- your jaw drops to the floor as soon as you read the text on the video

"so apparently when a guy's chain dangles it's attractive..?"

- heart skips a beat

- hands are sweaty

- knees spaghetti

- you look up to make sure the bathroom door is still shut before you whip out your phone and start videoing

- peter is looking nervously cute into the camera before he leans out of shot,

- you know what's next

- and right as the beat drops

- he shows up, SHIRTLESS, with his cross necklace (you've only seen him wear once lmao) dangling down

- not to mention the goddamn CURLS hanging down

- and your heartbeat quickens

- ... both heartbeats...

- then fucking PETER JUST STROLLS INTO THE ROOM

- ALL INNOCENT N SHIT AS IF HE DIDN'T HAVE A VIDEO ON HIS PHONE THAT LITERALLY MADE YOU READY TO RISK IT ALL

- "why do you have my phone?"

- you've never slammed it onto the bed so fast

- "no reason"

- he raises a suspicious eyebrow before picking up his phone and unlocking it

- and the fear in his eyes when the screen opens to his video

- he looks back up at you, mouth slightly open in fear/awe/ohshitohgodohFUCK

- and you and your goddamn mouth-

- "peter, it's hot"

- and oh how the look in his eyes changed

😈

+ + +

until next time <3

[kosmicdream]

hi i just discovered your webcomic !! i very much love it a lot and i was wondering if yo could maybe clear up the worm's anatomy ? cuz like, one minute they have boobs except its referred to as a he and then it has a dick but its still a queen ? don't get me wrong its insanely cool but if you would be so kind as to enlighten me on the subject it would be very much appreciated !! keep up the good work !!

I’ve been getting a lot of new readers and I think its been a while since i’ve gotten questions about this, so I suppose I don’t mind recirculating some information again. Hopefully i can cover a little bit more of the deeper nuances about worms and their relationship to gender/sex/pronouns that i haven’t talked about before. Its best to keep in mind that pronouns and also body parts (genitals/breasts, ect) arent always indicative of gender or sex. I think this is safe to say this is true for.. even outside of my story.

**SOME SPOILERS BELOW IF YOU HAVENT READ THE ENTIRE COMIC... SORRY I RAMBLED***

Anyway-- In the case of hydragora worms (which ill focus on as they are the ones with the king/queens classifications), their pronouns are not even exactly related to their genders or sex at all! but rather the type of ‘class’ of worm they are. Technically, all worms are able to lay eggs and also fertilize them. there are no “girl” or “boy” worm. Sometimes their rituals with how this process happens are different depending on what kind of worm they are, but they are all able to shape-shift their bodies to look how they want-- well, based on what they eat-- so body parts like boobs and genitals are really just accessories. For some worms, they’re important parts of their body that help make them comfortable, for others they couldnt give a fuck about what is swinging around. it really depends on the individual. Worms can mate without even having any visible genitals just as long as they squirm around in the necessary fun fluids with some sort of .. open.. orifice to absorb it with.... worm sex can be real damn freaky i wont get into it rn.

Back to the pronouns though. What does it mean??? Well, Kings do not actually mean male and Queens do not mean female..Even though we humans generally associate these pronouns/words with male and female! To make it as simple as i can, I try to explain or ask others to think of it like..Kings (he/him) - Typical characteristics: Lazy, Important, Need to be worshipped and protected. Very sexually appealing. Also have mysterious powers. Often have little weird crowns.Queens (she/her) - Characteristics: generally very large, can regenerate, specifically hunt down kings to kill them. Super strong. Generally have cool looking tails for some reason. Very colorful because that is useful for intimidation and showing off how strong they are.Regular worms: want to worship kings + protect them, also desire to become knights. technically speaking-- i would say that the lack of pronouns is the most ‘suitable’ pronoun to describe them. some even casually adopt he/she/they pronouns but usually in the space of interacting with other species. anyway, they’re loyal and subservient. knight worms: the special king-appointed upgrade of regular worms, they often adopt he/him pronouns through this process but it is reflective of their close bond with their king. (the very simple format is thinking the three basic worm genders as LAZY, MURDER and WORSHIP.)

*ok more specific character spoilrs below YOUUUVE BEEN WARNNNED IM WARNING YOOOU ok done warning**

Some worms break from this system and try to reinvent or reinterpret pronouns for their own while still interacting with worm culture/society. A couple examples of worms that do this are Agent Paper and Nail. (although really, its hard to think what worm character in ffak does not do this lol) Paper is a woman wishes to be viewed/treated as a woman by ANY species she interacts with. But! this doesnt mean she identifies as being a queen worm however- even tho she uses she/her pronouns. She just is a female worm. That identity is important to her even if, for a worm, it is far more ‘binary’ way of thinking than worms typically exhibit. Other worms will probably view her as a wanna-be-human or close minded. But just because the majority of worms are very fluid in many aspects of their gender/bodies/identity/sexuality doesn’t mean paper has to conform to this fluidity as well. The idea of a ‘Binary Gender’ for worms is typically very confusing (or an example of someone who is misinformed) to those who understand that worms generally do not adhere to a binary system. Especially for a worm who is NOT trying to disguise themselves as a human and integrate with human society (Aka, like Dylan who mostly interacts with humans and generally tries to remove herself from worm culture/society completely. Dylan does not even WANT to be considered a worm while paper still LOVES being a worm and associating herself with worms. shes just a woman worm. dylan is a woman. just not a worm woman. she will begrudgingly accept she is still technically a worm, but the identity of woman is less important to her and is more just the default of being viewed as a cis lady by humans and dylan is like ‘yeah whatevs’.)Nail is a queen worm, which typically have she/her pronouns, but he goes by he/him pronouns and also is fairly assertive of that. However, this doesnt mean he is a man or wishes to be viewed a ‘Man’ or ‘Male' (specifically) or even as a “King.” its more like... his own interpretation of what he/him means, which is about authority, dominance and most importantly: power. If he would pick a ‘binary gender sort of thing’ (while rolling his eyes bc he thinks its stupid while also thinking its important enough to get annoyed at when people dont respect his pronouns) he would pick being a man and would vehemently reject being viewed as a woman, but in a more deeper level that is not actually how he sees his he/him pronouns as a man thing. (even between being NB/male/female he would still pick man because that just seems ‘direct to the point.’ and satisfying) He also generally rejects the label of Queen worm too, but will begrudgingly or unenthusiastically accept that he is one. He is also considered an ‘odd’ queen because he is very small in stature and generally has muted colors of browns/tans instead of flashy ones. He has been teased at this too that he wasnt QUEEN enough by being so small and puny lmao.

To backtrack a little, As worms integrate with human society, or even hekatons (which that species also mimics a lot of human society), they will often adopt the ideology and system of how pronouns are used. Or at least, will be forced to process how other species will view them based on the shared language of using the same words, despite it meaning many different things... to not only groups of people but also on the individual level. I think thats an important thing to consider that there are many different dynamics, interpretations and journeys interacting all at once and influencing each other and are constantly evolving and branching out. Even the lines between what is a king/queen/other worms really ARE is blurry because its all on a spectrum of.. various physical characteristics and behaviors.

And to go into EVOLUTION and BLURRY LINES... As we can see with a worm like, Jacket for example... while he is specifically NOT a king, he is also more like a unique blend of features from queens/regular worms and also knights. because he WANTS to be a knight he already uses he/him pronouns despite not actually having a king already and hasnt even gone through the specific knighting process. Jacket sees He/him as words that mean total loyalty to the king. Whoever the king is. And if someone were to try to put him in a specific box of queen/king/knight/regular worm they would be unable to place him b/c he is something else unique entirely. and while jacket uses he/him pronouns i think at the core of it he literally does not give a fuck about language at all, or genders, or labels. those are all nonsense things. he relies only on instinct and desire.

Phew. ok I could ramble on and describe every one of my worm characters, but I’ll leave it at there for now. Crimson is even more confusing bc she is a fucking hybrid human/mandragora worm, using a goddamn hydragora body, and has like 2 other clone heart selves and all this other fucking bullshit. i have been writing this for like an hour. lmao

I hope some of this is communicates at least, its a little difficult to orchestrate and articulate all the levels operating here at once in a simple-to-digest manner. the fun thing about ffak at least is that if you dont want to think about this stuff you dont really have to--although id think it enriches the experience a bit.

[mel-esor-blog]

Assassin’s Creed: The Movie Thoughts

Hey everyone so last night I decided last-minute to go see the AC movie since my college was showing it for free. I suppose I consider myself a veteran of the games, playing since AC2, and did have mixed feelings about the movie at first. But eh, I wasn’t doing much that night and they had free popcorn, so why not? But oh boy... I almost regret that decision now.

I’ll have the conversation I had in Discord with my bff @buttercreambear under the Read more below but in short: oh man was it not good. By that, I mean it could have been handled alot better. This was almost like The Room bad.

Mel: wtf is this music Mel: ok i know it's modern day scene transition but- LOL BIKE FAIL Mel: Assassin's Creed brought to you by the music from The Hills Have Eyes probably

Les: mel i want you to know i saw "bike fail" and immediately imagined desmond getting the hidden blade getting stuck in his bike tire spokes Les: fucking templars, etc.

Mel: creepy 60s music on lo-fi radio with dead person...... classy Mel: who directed this some dude who does modern slasher film remakes

Les: i can only communicate in memes now im sorry everyone

Mel: lol is ok les Mel: ok the color scheme reminds me of like saving private Ryan with the sandlot or something

Les: is it like that generic dark gritty cyan or something Les: i dont think ive seen either of those Les: and its all desaturated n shit

Mel: gotta sepia tone everything to show everyone it's the past huuuuhhhhhhgghhh Mel: "here lemme force my religion down your throat you filthy Assassin" Mel: ok so when was Abstergo a county jail in the South Mel: no no wait they gonna "kill" this dude THEN ship his body overseas to the REAL Abstergo facility in Europe Mel: much cheaper than putting him in first class Mel: memory flashback Montage™ Mel: wow ok this lady is annoying already Mel: "you're here to help me? you just told me I died and nobody gives a shit" Mel: #wherethefuckisVidic Mel: Cal pls punch this lady Mel: "prepare the animus" hoooo shit Mel: oh wait Glados I thought this was Asscreed not Portal my bad goodnight everyone Mel: "we're gonna pump you with a bunch of drugs and hope your memories will get sent back via DNA instead of a DIGITAL SIMULATION have fun C:"

Les: remember when the glados voice was in pacific rim

Mel: they have an mri monitor but no scanner????? Mel: this whole machine makes no sense and is totally unnecessary

Les: "according to this, medical things are happening"

Mel: "let's make him try and synchronize in the MIDDLE OF A GIANT BATTLE this will totally be successful" Mel: good God give this poor man a proper tutorial Mel: no like in the games you always kinda got a tutorial stage that was easy at first Mel: OMFG THEY RIPPED OFF EZIO'S STORYLINE FUCK YOH

Les: what even is the story in this movie

Mel: les remember what happened to his dad and brothers

Les: yea

Mel: "stay with me Cal" Mel: uhhhh don't you WANT him to synchronize with his ancestor?? Mel: that's like Rebecca slapping Desmond every five minutes while he's in the animus Mel: oboy chase scene that's..... meh compared to the games Mel: classic "shit we’re nearing a random cliff" scene Mel: "You did well, Cal" Mel: uhh he just kinda... got tossed into this shit that was overwhelming Mel: who's this old bozo that looks like a chemistry professor in an old university Mel: "my daughter finds the cure for violence" Mel: ye it's called don't let humans exist buddy

Les: more violets, i say

Mel: #recallingpasteventsbydates Mel: because this is a movie about history facts Mel: I'm just waiting for a mameshiba to pop up dressed as George Washington to churn out facts about the American Revolution Mel: how to design a room: one wall with a door, shoes, and a bed. that it. Mel: how to bleeding effect: rly spoopy real-looking person in half-assed reaper shroud Mel: basically- OMG actually it looks just like the hallucinations from Scarlet's aftermath shit Mel: lady: I know everything about you and your ancestors more than you do Mel: that's totally not creepy Mel: lady: and how does that make you feel? Mel: ok when was this a piss-poor counseling session Mel: from a character that has about as much emotion as Edward Cullen's lunch

Les: would that be blood

Mel: ok i can't even remember her name anymore lmao Mel: main girl from twilight Mel: don't eat the chicken Cal it's poison

Les: i tried to remember that guy's actual name and my brain was like "james patterson.... pat robertson... ROBERT PATTINSON"

Mel: lmao Mel: #randomapple Mel: "what the fuck is going on?" my thoughts exactly Mel: #how many times am I gonna fukin hear the song Crazy Mel: the 20/30s one not the 80/90s one Mel: #fightingmyinnerdemonswhichisactuallymyancestor

Les: ~just assassin things~

Mel: omfg Mel: #singingthefuckingsongbecauseim""crazy"" Mel: producers totally know how mental illness is -_-

Les: is it this song [x]

Mel: wait what....

Les: i just googled "crazy song" and that was one of the results

Mel: o I can't listen to it cause phone Mel: no its the Patsy Cline one [x] Mel: "the last heathen in this Holy War" Mel: HEY U KEEP MY ANCESTORS OUTTA THIS YE FILTHY POPE Mel: #tap B to struggle free Mel: ok new drinking game: take a drink every time you see Ridiculously Unecessary Animus™ Mel: ok who the heck choreographed the free running cause it's definitely not the same dude who mocapped it for the games Mel: too much fancyness to it Mel: "lemme just spam this back jump over and over between two buildings instead of climbing straight up" Mel: the heck was that random one second first person shot of a drawn bow?? Mel: ok id be drunk rn with that one game scratch that...

Les: i looked this up and what the heck [x]

Mel: stop phasing back and forth between the simulation and present time omfg!!!

Les: how did they get that from the game thing which is like..... 90% chair

Mel: I can't imagine how confusing this is to people watching it the first time sheesh Mel: WHAT THE FUCK Mel: he's seizing Mel: good fuckin job guys Mel: THAT IS NOT HOW YOU HANDLE SOMEONE WHO IS HAVING A SEIZURE WTF Mel: now he's in a Jesus Christ Dunk Tank??? Mel: oh well awesome he's got lower limb paralysis Mel: maybe we shouldn't have suspended him from this wacky portal robot with a metal belt and probably some kind of fucked up needle jabbing into his spine for all I know Mel: cause I didn't see any wires or nothing on his face so couldn't have gotten brain scans from that Mel: that is.... the dumbest looking wheelchair omg Mel: #randomtaichimovesaloneinroom Mel: literal words from Fake Vidic™ : You've been desynching in the Animus... we need you to not do that. Mel: A+ writing Mel: "Do you recognize this?" Mel: that's a fucking drawer slide with a steak knife soldiered to it Mel: Imdeepain would be ashamed [aka this brilliant person here] Mel: he just like... pushed a button on it and it slid out with this terrible scraping noise Mel: moving parts don't need lubricant or a smooth polished surface right? Mel: this the kind of jackass that would go in dry I bet

Les: hgdsdffdg

Mel: Also plot: still searching Mel: Also when the heck did the goddamn Apple represent "free will" instead of "essentially endless power and omniscience" Mel: or more or less "maybe the real free will was inside us all along and we never thought to look outside of our stupid religious pact for answers or truth" Mel: "Hey kids let me whip out Webster's dictionary and mansplain to an Assassin what an Assassin is because my script writer doesn't know how to fucking write lines" Mel: also: You've heard of Mute swans, now get ready for Mute eagle Mel: THAT'S LITERALLY AN ICONIC SOUND IN THE GAME C'MON Mel: #secretcompartmentwall Mel: there's like.... a severe lack of targets in this movie.... Mel: and main focus is literally: sultan, his son, and this Catholic pope dude person Mel: omfg pls be fake apple Mel: random sandstorm?? Mel: or was that legit him using the Apple wtf Mel: ok god who did the lighting the asshole who worked on SH Homecoming I can barely see shit what's going on half the time Mel: shit i dont Even think I've heard the main Assassin say much if anything let alone really see his face? so far

Les: very mysterio

Mel: intense to the death battle Mel: rly dark chase scene Mel: some fire and stuff.... is happening? Mel: LMFAO HE DID A "LEAP OF FAITH" AND FUCKING BROKE THEIR TRASHY-ASS ANIMUS

Les: lol

Mel: omfg the leap of faith though Mel: they fucking like had him do stupid stunts in the middle of it before landing in the water Mel: like the dive moves you can do when you put on the goggles Mel: yeah. that shit

Les: o god

Mel: #unecessary Mel: Also I just noticed why the fuck is Cal almost naked wtf Mel: I guess I won't deny eye candy but lol Mel: yeah he's like done no training or very little of it doing summersaults in the "animus" but now he's as ripped as John Cena Mel: random escape scene with smoke bombs pulled out of god knows where Mel: OH NOW I FINALLY GET TO SEE Mel: they did a slowmo camera rotation and I saw they had like a fuckin huge butterfly needle thing attached on the back of his neck Mel: ok where the heck is everyone getting these weapons from Mel: some dude just had a sword... Mel: this is not how maximum security facilities would be.... Mel: crossbow???? Mel: you're in present day in an expensive facility why would you need that Mel: I think they just.... left Cal alone to experience bleeding effect yet again while all shits breaking loose in the facility Mel: WHY DID THEY LEAVE HISTORICAL WEAPONS LAYING AROUND HERE ABSTERGO YOU IDIOTS Mel: actually at first they legit just strapped two replica hidden blades to Cal while putting him in the animus like "this totally won't be a bad idea at all nope" Mel: #GETTOTHECHOPPA Mel: yeah Cal you climb that hunk of shit they call an animus Mel: also: breaking all the glass because I can't get injured cause this is a movie and it's all just sugar candy Mel: Also now we're in Notre Dame? Mel: omfg the apple looks awful and tarnished like it was made by a human and not idk an ancient race that we can't even comprehend Mel: looks like a giant animal just accidentally ate it and shit it out right on this churches doorstep and then one of the priests took it and half-assed cleaned it off and thought "nice" and put it in a crappy treasure chest.... SOMEWHERE cause they didn't even fucking show where they pulled it out of Mel: annoying lady during a supposed to be emotional scene: You lied to me. ._. Mel: and now, Fake-ass Vidic gives a Ted Talk Mel: ok you're telling me this facility had a breakout and they didn't do shit about it Mel: "oh welp just better let em all go they got weapons now ooOOoOoohhhdh" Mel: Lady: I can't do this Mel: Cal: (fukin dressed as his ancestor now) Yes you can Mel: Shia LeBouf pops in unannounced: just DO IT!!!

Mel: WHY IS THE APPLE FUCKING TINY. AND GREEN???? Mel: oh no I bet that's just the neurotoxin Fake Vidic put in Mel: it's like... the size of a small apple or baseball?? not even [This is what the apple technically looked like in the movie, all I could get was the toy prop but it’s pretty close]

[HIDEOUS. Where did you pull this from? Silent Hill’s asshole???]

[Here’s what it’s supposed to look like, all nice and pristine and slightly alien-like. Also slightly larger than an adult Male’s hand, the one in the movie however was at least 2/3 maybe even half this size. Pathetic. Anyway, back to the original review.]

Mel: GOD he even held it in this fucking pretentious asshole way Mel: lemme just stick it in a wine glass and garnish it in gold flakes you pompous crusty old excuse for a real character Mel: random shadowy figures on the roof At Night™ with the camera doing a slow cinematic 360° panorama Mel: what.... Mel: that.... That's the end??? Mel: ??????

Les: so how was it

Mel: 2/10 would not recommend Mel: 7.8/10 too much sepia

[kurosis]

i really need to stop saying fuck the police because this time they really came

so lemme set up the scene for ya’ll. i was on discord last night, right? ingesting an entire bottle of wine because of who i am as a person. went to bed at fuck all in the morning because i didn’t work till 2pm. i wake up out of a dead sleep at around 10am? ish? to a lot of voices in our living room. like a shit load, like whose having a fuckin pow wow at 10am on a fuckin thursday kinda commotion. ( for reference, myself and my immediate friend / roommate are in the master bedroom. it’s an enclosed space, with it’s own walk in closet and bathroom. we can hermit ourselves away from the rest of the house by closing the door. important detail here ).

so i’m laying there waking my gay ass up slowly like, i don’t gotta be anywhere till fucking noon-thirty who the fuck ruining my procrastination? and then the very distinct sound of police walkies puts my brain into maximum fuck-no like? ya’ll? i fucking lived in LA for a chunk of my life and still visit there frequently. if there’s one noise i can pick out of crowd, it’s gunshots and police radios. the shit is VERY specific of a sound.

so now i’m like goddamn the cops up in our pad? who the fuck let them in? do they have a warrant? weeds legal why is this happening, is someone a crack head in here that i don’t know about? mental dialogue is going at full on lit at the same time as i’m texting my roommate whose on the other side of our apartment in her room ( i know she’s in there with the door closed. she’s a very delicate person with a lot of ptsd. i’m sure she’s gone straight up non-verbal at this point and just nope’d out of whatever’s going on ).  while i’m waiting for her to reply, i get snippets of conversation through the walls. shit like “ can you account for where you were last night? “, “ did anyone see you? can you confirm this? “ and i’m like oh goddamn this an interrogation. the goddamn fuzz is interrogating my roommates?! why?!?!

other roommate gets back to me with a big long garbled text of shit, and TL;DR our neighbor across from us has been MIA for a solid week. fuckin just vanished off the grid aint nobody seen her or heard from her. ( it’s entirely possible she’s been missing for longer. i mean we live in an apartment building. we keep to ourselves and don’t really fuck with each other, so it’s possible she’s been missing for like hella longer than just a week. )

so being the sweaty black gay disaster i am, i’m layin there like nah. i gotta go to work. how am i gonna go to work? shit i should call my manager and tell her what’s up. maybe i can just go back to sleep and be dead throughout this whole ordeal? peace out into the bathroom all quiet like. call up my manager and try to lowkey ask how late i can come into work without it being a problem. she lists off a lot of things that would essentially be a problem with that and i’m like “fuck alright. i basically need to put my biscuits in the oven and hope they don’t burn.”

hang up with my manager then head back to bed and lay down in preparation for pretending to be asleep and confused. text nervous roommate back like “yo, i don’t have time to be interrogated, i gotta work and shit and if this turns into a murder case i’m legit not about this as shitty as this sounds like i’m too dark and we live in trump’s america i’m gonna get lit the fuck up” she’s basically like “lol got u”  just as we agreed that i don’t exist in the other room, i hear the cop ask “ is there anyone else in the apartment? “ and scared roomies boyfriend is like “ oh yeah, just our roommate in the other room! “

sittin here like ya’ll for real. ya’ll for real karma, why you like this?  i’m just layin’ there like alright god, just let them come in here and be quick about it, my alibi’s gonna be “sorry officers i was drunk for an entire week” which aint even a damn lie let’s be real. waitin’ on shit to hit the fan and splatter all over my face, but after like five minutes nothing happens? i realize then that they must have been talking about scared roomie, cause voices are way less close to my side of the wall then they were before.

i realize no one fucking knows i exist in here ( i also realize they don’t have a warrant, because otherwise they’d be all up in our kibbles and bits ). plan gets shit into my head at light speed and sloppy and i’m like i’m gonna sneak away from the cops ( this is how i know i will never be a competent reasonable adult, this is the worst fucking decision i could have made instead of just being normal and going outside to see what was up #my life living with anxiety ) so i crawl my ass up, gather my two day old work clothes and grooming shit and decide i’m gonna get changed and ready in the closet.  with the lights off ( hindsight rn is like “bitch wtf were you on? you fuckin weirdo wtf is the matter with you?” )

i get completely ready, get my backpack, keys and garage key and wait like i’m pretty sure i’m not breathing, or quietly telling all my damn organs to chill the fuck out and quiet down just in case feds can smell the fear coming off a nervous bladder.  sounds like everyones either outside, or too close to the front door to notice shit, so i peek out carefully, make sure no one’s around then fucking book it to our patio.  like i probably could have gotten away with just carefully crawling over the railing and being chill about it, but i had to go full teenage boy on that shit and throw myself over straight into the goddamn bushes.  no time to make sure i didn’t get fucked up by plant-life ( spoiler: i wasn’t, somehow ). get my ass up and book it to the side gate next to the front main gates because there just cops and fucking people everywhere????? like fuck this, now i’m really not interested in staying. someone gettin lit up i don’t wanna be part of that i’m too dark for that shit fuckin’ bye.

i roll out mission impossible style, huggin walls and goin around the perimeter of our big park / playground out in front of our complex, lookin like a goddamn fool. i get aaaaall the way around to the other side of the gate, trying to like stay ducked out of sight along the wall and sort of periodically throwing my hand in the air to get our garage to open.  course the shit’s low on battery, so i have to sit my ass down and like repeatedly hit the button and press and hold on it and shake it-- you know all the dumb shit you do to get a thing to work that doesn’t actually help but makes you feel like it’s helping? yeah that shit.

shit opens up finally. i come out of the little alley, cove, shit, checkin’ for cops and generally makin’ myself look real gooddamn suspicious as i squeeze my ass into our garage to get to the car ( no easy task, considering it’s filled with things including a TABLE and  FUCKING ENTIRE MATTRESS ). get in the car, peel the fuck out- but like not too fast, i’m tryin to play it cool ( even though i fucking tripped on every single thing i came across. like it’s a goddamn miracle i wasn’t noticed like holy shit ). i make a very laaaarge wiiiide circle around our complex, just so it looks like i’m a nosey sunday driver and not the suspicious 16 year old boy i probably am lookin’ like right now.

i make it all the way around, i’m almost at the gate, my butthole can finally unclench soon and then a cop waves me down.

like of course i’m gonna stop he’s the goddamn law also it would be a decidedly bad idea to fucking not stop right now. so i slow down, roll down my window, and try my best to pitch my voice higher to sound a little more feminine and disarming? like no one’s going to fuck with a little nerdy black girl right? woops. nope. bitch you forgot you’ve been on hormones since november, you don’t sound like a cute confused little girl you sound like the squeaky teenager disaster of a boy with bad fashion sense and smelling vaguely of fritos and febreeze.

apparently this works, because he just asked if i lived here ( to which i mentioned a building on the opposite side of the complex entirely ), and then said that that was alright, but if i heard or came across anything funny to please let them know. “ anything helps, even if you don’t think it’s important- “ i squeak out an okay ( and try not to check him out. like what’s wrong with me i’m terrified and trying to escape and go to work but honestly he was a very nice ginger guy with like perfect teeth i was DOA ).

i end up at work on time, wondering why i’m like this as a person and why i can’t just be normal and not be full of anxiety and be turnt up to 11 about anything.

and that’s it. that’s everything.

[ethelbertpaul444-blog]

The Best Bachelor In Paradise Recap Youll Ever Read: Week 3, Night 1 Betches

Welcome back to Bachelor in Paradise! The show that keeps on giving leaves us shackled to our couches for 4-6 hours a week. When last we left off, Chris was interrupted in the middle of comparing living, breathing women to courses in a meal by Tia who, hopefully, came armed to this conversation with a shoe so she can beat him to death with it. I’m rooting for you, Tia!

TIA: You told me that I deserve the best. CHRIS: You do. TIA: But you made out with Krystal. CHRIS: I did. But I’ll fight for you. TIA: 

Okay, see this is what’s wrong with modern dating right here. They keep talking in circles around each other and Chris might as well be speaking in Pig Latin for all the sense he’s making rn. Tia is pissed because Chris told her he would commit to her, meanwhile Chris is saying that he did mention commitment to her but will actually do the opposite. But, hey, at least he said the word commitment! That’s got to count for something, Tia!

Jesus. This talk is making me want to call my internet company and abandon the sh*tty internet plan that makes it possible for me stream this abomination on clear, cloudless days only. Tia keeps saying Chris’s argument doesn’t make sense—and it doesn’t—but what really doesn’t make sense is how either of these women can fight over him while he’s wearing that fugly bandanna.

HOW.

Moving on. Oh, that poor parrot needs to stay far away from Kendall. Next time we see it it will be on her wall.

Tia thinks that because Colton warned her about Chris, Colton is in love with her. It’s flimsy evidence at best, but her crazy ass will take anything she can get.

HAHA. Tia yelping “help” after realizing she’s insane is me in the mirror every morning.

Jacqueline and her monotone voice emerge from behind a palm tree. Idk why, but there’s something v unnerving about Jacqueline to me. I think it has something to do with the full set of baby teeth hiding in that tiny mouth of hers.

Bibi’s like “she doesn’t smell like Paradise yet. I’m screwed.” Bibi, this girl has the personality of a mechanical pencil. I think you’ll be fine, girl.

Jacqueline pulls Colton aside as Tia is literally in the middle of professing her love to him again. Lol this should be good.

JACQUELINE: Can I steal you for a second, Colton? TIA:

WHAT. Colton turns Jackie down?? First of all, you can do that? Second of all, he can’t say no to a date! What does he think he’s here for?  To sip on his Mike’s Hard and work on his tan? Absolutely not. You’re never going to lose your virginity with an attitude like that, Colton!

Colton tells Tia that he’s still into her but he doesn’t want to, like, do anything about it. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m just going to stick my head in an oven. Are you effing kidding me with this, ABC? Honestly, this Colton/Tia thing has gone on far too long. I’ve had enough. Someone murder them both already. For f*ck’s sake.

Jackie picks Kenny for the date because one of the producers lost a bet and had to make this happen. That’s the only way these two on a date makes sense. I’ll be shocked if they find anything to talk about. Fingers crossed the producers don’t have to resort to poking them with sticks to generate any sort of human emotion!

KENNY: You’re pretentious, aren’t you? JACKIE: 

Clearly this love story was written in the stars. Good luck, kids!

Back at the beach, Annaliese is patiently waiting for Kenny to get back from his date. She’s like “I have to find love get a rose tonight. I. have. to.” Damn, this girl did not come to play. She immediately pulls Kenny aside to show him the pink goo she picked out for dessert.

OH MY GOD DID ANNALIESE JUST SAY SHE WANTS TO OPEN HER SEXUAL DOOR TO HIM? Does she mean, like, her back door? Is that what she’s trying to say? I’m confused.

Okay, Venmo John is killing it this season. Who would have thought a man with a decent job and a 401K would be more of a hot commodity than a former pro athlete? No, seriously. Who.

Meanwhile, Chris and Krystal are heating up. It’s disgusting. He’s like “I really appreciated you having my back when I was trying to dump my side chick. That was hot.” Krystal, is this what you’ve been dreaming about your whole life? Because if so, then I’m so glad you found your knight in shining armor!

Okay, Bibiana is a goddamn therapist at this point. She should honestly be charging by the hour for the amount of time and effort she’s putting into getting these losers to express basic human emotion.

COLTON: So my only choices are to date Tia or go home? Guess I’m going hom— BIBIANA: B*tch, what did we just talk about?

Damn. Tia really wore Colton down. Colton decides he wants to give their relationship a chance and Tia actually screams in ecstasy. It’s v disturbing.

Also, Tia all you ever wanted was for him to “give it an honest chance.” No, that’s not true. You wanted to bully him into dating you. And it worked. Congratulations, you sociopath. (And can I DM you for tips?)

Moving on to the rose ceremony. I never thought we’d get here. I’m genuinely worried Bibi is going home, though. And what will her patients cast mates do without her saving their boyfriends in rose ceremonies when they’re mad at them? Hmm?

MY GOD. What is Jordan wearing on his body rn? It’s like a vest/pant combo made out of the vacation section at a Goodwill.

So. Much. Fashion. 🌹🌹🌹 cocktail party paradise edition #bachelorinsider #bts #bachelorinparadise 🌊🌴🦀🥂

A post shared by Bachelor Insider (@bachelorinsider) on Aug 20, 2018 at 9:18pm PDT

Elsewhere, Caroline has Venmo John cornered on a couch listing off her demands for the rose ceremony. 

CAROLINE: I just hate this campaigning for roses. I’m not that kind of girl. NARRATOR: She absolutely was that kind of girl.

Then there’s Jubilee, A WAR VETERAN, who’s reduced herself to handing out back rubs for a rose. Is this really a back rub or  is she actually using a tactic they teach in the army to get the enemy to submit? She could have some real tricks hidden under that crop top.

Lol David is over here trying to give Bibi a pep talk. He’s like “Kenny said he’s into you. He said you have a good booty.” What a strong foundation to build a relationship on! It’s worked out so well for the Kardashians.

WHAT. Kenny and Bibi start making out and I AM HERE FOR IT. Never mind that Kenny all of the sudden has half of Paradise vying for his attention. SAVE OUR GIRL, KENNY. I beg of you.

Jackie grabs Kenny next and is like “I hope you’ll still give me a chance now that I just turned 27. I read an article in the New York Times that says I’m past my prime now.”

ME:

Um, this man is the father of a 12-year-old college graduate, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t give a sh*t if you’re old enough to pay for your own health insurance now.

Meanwhile, David pulls Jenna aside and gives her a giant-ass stuffed animal for her birthday. Omg. It’s literally a washed-up street dog. What was that, like, the only available thing in the prop room?

Jordan is piiissseddd. He starts dragging the dog down the beach AND THROWS IT INTO THE OCEAN. That is actually so f*cked up. I mean have I done the same thing to my ex-boyfriend’s beloved Kurt Cobain T-shirt after he dumped me in the middle of a beer pong game freshman year? Yes. That’s neither here nor there.

Jordan is losing it and starts going OFF on Chelsea and Jubilee. And it’s, like, Jordan, you can’t start yelling insults at women to their faces. This isn’t MTV.

ANNALIESE: I would not be with a man who speaks to me that way. Nope. JORDAN: Will you accept this rose? ANNALIESE: Omg I would be honored. JORDAN: Sike!

Eric confronts Jordan and tells him he needs to apologize to all the ladies or else. Damn. I forgot how attractive Eric is. There’s just something about a man treating women like actual human beings instead of just props for their next Instagram post that’s so… sexy. I guess I’m just a hopeless romantic like that!

@ericbigger, better, badder! 📸:@ericbigger

A post shared by Bachelor in Paradise (@bachelorinparadise) on Aug 20, 2018 at 5:49pm PDT

Eric is the perfect man. I rest my case.

Chris Harrison hauls ass and shows up at the rose ceremony before any other drunken fights can break out. F*cking finally, Chris! The rose ceremony goes as such:

Jordan picks Jenna, who can barely open her eyes with all of that glue holding her eyelashes on. It’s possible she doesn’t even know Jordan is the one who picked her. Who can say.

David picks Chelsea.

Kevin picks Astrid.

Chris picks Krystal. God help her.

John picks Jubilee.

Joe picks Kendall.

Colton picks Tia. Vomit.

Eric picks Angela.

Kenny picks Annaliese. WAIT WHAT. HOW. OVER BIBIANA. How f*cking dare you.

And on that note, I’m out y’all. I have to go try and not have nightmares about Jordan chasing people in the rain. BYE.

Images: Giphy (5) @bachelorinsider /Instagram (1); @bachelorinparadise /Instagram (1)

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